I'm...hot?

As many people do during a divorce, I vowed to myself that I would get fit. Hot. The kind of woman that would attract lots of men and then keep them interested with her dazzling personality. And so I worked out. I ate mostly healthful foods, and not tons of it. The side effect of this healthy lifestyle was that the emotions that usually accompany divorce (depression, sadness, hopelessness) were lightened. Annoyingly, what you always hear is true: regular exercise and nutritious foods can make you feel as good as taking an antidepressant. 

I will admit I got a little obsessive about exercise. I got motivated at the right time of year: spring. It was bright in the mornings and stay light well into the evenings. Getting up at 5am for a work out was relatively easy. Then before I knew it, I was also motivated to work out after work as well. Daily doubles became the norm. I did a mixture of cardio (jogging and HIIT training), weights, and yoga. I felt great, like I could finally do all of the difficult physical things I had always struggled with. Now to be clear, I have never been overweight. I am 5'4" and tend to waffle between 120 and 130 pounds. But I've always been soft. I've never been an athlete, and I am not naturally muscular. I've been in shape in the past, but never toned. About 3 months after I began exercising and eating wanted change, I could finally say I was fit. Hot. Ready for someone new to see me naked.

I will discuss my dating life later (because it it...interesting), but I want to briefly touch on how I changed my diet at this time, because it truly made me feel phenomenal and I shed the weight relatively easily. I did a popular diet called the 21 Day Fix, which is a way of eating that simply makes sense. Basically, it is a portion controlled, whole food way of eating. Vegetables, lean protein, fruit, whole grains, nuts and seeds...nothing about it is revolutionary. I knew these foods were what I should eat, I had just never been motivated to do it. If you are looking to lose weight, or just change your eating habits for general health, you just need to want it. Want it more than you have in the past. And so, because I was very motivated and genuinely wanted change, I made it happen.

The Big D

So I had mentioned in my previous post that I got divorced in 2015. My husband, a wonderful man who I still consider my best friend, was someone I grew up with. We went to junior high and high school together, though we did not begin dating until college. After 6 years of dating, he and I married in 2008. I loved being married to him. We had a wonderful relationship for much of this time. In 2011, we received the worst news of our lives.

He had been having health issues in the form of GI upset. So trivial, it seemed. Yet a few simple labs revealed something very wrong...and within a couple of weeks he was diagnosed with a serious liver condition called Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis, or PSC. Essentially, this is an autoimmune liver disorder that causes the bile ducts to scar and eventually cause liver failure. Transplant is the only cure, and even this is often temporary as the disease recurs.

Liver disease often evokes a reaction in people: This person as an alcoholic. An addict. Someone who earned their disease. But PSC occurs in infants. In people who have never had a drink in their lives. It is an unfortunate, autoimmune disorder that can occur without warning. It impacted our lives like we had never expected. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to anyone, my then-husband had a weakness for alcohol, and the impact of a life-threatening diagnosis would exacerbate this weakness.

After he was diagnosed, my husband and I bonded like I would have never imagined. Trauma bonding, I like to call it. We were as husband and wife should be: a team. We asked each other's opinions on everything, we talked about every emotion, and spent every spare second together. It was a strong marriage. Perhaps it was the only time I can call it that. 

Another difficult thing that was happening at the time: my husband was starting a business. It was, ironically, a brewery. The guy with liver disease was officially told he was not allowed to never drink again...just as he had finally reached his life long goal of opening a brewery. I was so impressed by his resolve. His attitude. We could do this.

I got home from work one day (about 6 months after the diagnosis) at 5pm and he was drunk in the living room. It was a shock in the way I had never been shocked. This man had made a choice that would knowingly shorten his life. Shorten OUR life together. I felt sick. Yet at the same time, I felt empathy and the deepest sadness. We went to bed that night in confusion, both vowing that we would find a way past this.

We did not find a way past it. He continued the drinking, sometimes several times a week, sometimes only once every other month or so. In between episodes, it was increasingly clear that he was depressed and unable to deal with the stress of his diagnosis and starting a business. Things became worse.

He started antidepressants, and we began marriage counseling. Sometimes things were good, but often they were bad. The drinking episodes resulted in severe behavior on his part, followed by days of shame. Long story short, we decided to end things in the fall of 2014.

This was not easy. We opted to end things but had no end game...we lived together for a long time (6 months) after the separation. We eventually finalized the divorce and he moved out. 

Here is where the second "D" comes in: Diet. Around this time, I decided to change my eating and exercise habits. I will expand on all of this in a different blog post, as it deserves this.

Often you hear of women becoming "fit" or "hot" during divorce. I can say I am this woman. I began to think of the next person to see me naked (months down the road). I wanted strange men to find me attractive. What?!  Oh, the human psyche. More later...

Blog. Journal. Diary. So many words to describe this, but the bottom line is that I have an incredible amount of information bouncing around in my head and its so much quicker to type than write these days. I used to journal. Beautiful, black calligraphy that went on for hundreds of pages about my thoughts, my life, my emotions. Typical teenage/young adult stuff. I loved writing. And then I settled into a relatively happy, normal life and that stopped.
Until now. On the eve of 2016, I find myself reflecting back on the year. Hell, the last 5, 10 years. In the past year, I found myself in a failing marriage, legal trouble, struggled with body image issues, and had some serious pet troubles. I know, I know. #thirdworldproblems. But really, in my years as an optimistic woman with an outlook that rivals Pollyanna, I am having a difficult time moving beyond this year. And to be fair, every issue I listed has at least 5 sub-issues. A divorce is not as simple as, It just didn't work. So I'm hoping to break this blog up into the issues that torment (or elate!) me most. Divorce. Diet. Dogs. DUI. Yes, my life has some serious D's. Join me. Because I know I'm not the only one who deals with stuff way over their head, and yet somehow believes that they will have the best life possible!